I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*