“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
.. do you even science?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.