How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL