Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
So that’s what we looked like?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife