My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.