Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Oceanography is all about current events
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal