Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
True.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“We will wed,” I threatened
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.