I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.