umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Life cycle of cat
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons