Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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Me: no, I need all of these
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?