You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.