My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.