Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”