Food gives you energy to nap more.
You Might Also Like
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE