If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak