I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
A short story of betrayal: