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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.