Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
can you read it!!??
maan!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.