Good morning.
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Monday
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”