[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.