You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.