Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.