“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.