I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”