[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.