You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’