(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
scared to check what name she chose
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
it is time once again