I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”