Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
no one likes gloating
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day