“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”