You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Just a reminder, folks:
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*