My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Called it
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro