my first dose meeting my second
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs