“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.