My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Noah was an idiot.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
this is me
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.