I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?