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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Still my favourite meme.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo