I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
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Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
#dnd #ttrpg
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Quadruple digit IQ
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.