I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
When can I start eating bats again.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.