Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.