i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?