Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“you changed” bro i was 15
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]