Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
thank god the sign was there
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”