Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)