set yourself free xox
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.