What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*