Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Hey I worked for it too!
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.