[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I triple waxed for this?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
12. I think about this all the damn time
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days