Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I thought this was funny lol
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My daily affirmation
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book