[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.